Reflections from the Shores – Evan Gold’s Sermon

Shabbat shalom. My name is Evan Gold, and this is my 9th summer at Kawaga and third on staff. Every year as a counselor during pre camp, I have been asked a simple yet very challenging question to answer. Who am I? The first time I was asked the question, nothing came to mind. I didn’t know what to think, I had no clue what to write. I left my piece of paper blank. I didn’t know who I was. As a camper and a junior counselor, I always wanted to be the best version of myself, but I never knew what that looked like. Ever since I got to camp this year, I have made it my mission to better understand myself and who it is that I see myself becoming. And this year, what I wrote on my paper was this. I am real. I’m aware of my surroundings. I appreciate things. I understand the value of the things closest to me. I care, sometimes even too much. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself, but realize I have to do so more than most people. I pay attention, and notice things that aren’t right. I’ve had just about every role one can have at camp. I’ve been a leader. I’ve been a follower. I’ve mourned, I’ve cherished, I’ve thrived, I’ve failed. I’ve been grateful for life, yet have questioned my own. I’ve been confident, I’ve been insecure and different. But now, right now, I’m proud. Proud to be at camp, proud to see how much I have grown, and proud of the support I have behind me. Most importantly, I’m proud of who I’ve become, and the person I see myself becoming. I make mistakes, but not the same ones twice. I’m curious and have a desire to grow and be better. I know I’m not perfect and that there are things I would change about myself. Yet, I’m still proud at my core, and know the values and lessons I have learned will allow me to become who I want to be. That’s what I wrote.

The first time I was asked two years ago, instead of writing, I found myself crying. I never really knew what pushed me to cry, and I spent lots of time trying to figure out why. However, it took me a while to realize that the reasoning behind getting emotional was irrelevant, and it was more important that I was able to be vulnerable. One of the most valuable characteristics camp has taught me is vulnerability. Between when I missed my group two year up to my CIT summer, I was in an extremely low mental state, and was bottling up all of my feelings and putting them to the side. Later my CIT summer, I had a 30 minute conversation with my counselor, who I opened up to about everything that was going on in my life. I talked to him about my insecurities, how I felt singled out in life because of the surgery I had, the challenges I was facing after losing my grandfathers. I didn’t feel real. It felt like I wasn’t in control of myself. I never understood why it “had to be me” who was experiencing these things. I didn’t know what to do at camp or in life. It was the first time that I had ever told anyone so much about my feelings and what I was going through. I hadn’t even told my parents half the things I opened up to him about. Camp Kawaga taught me that it’s okay to be different. Kawaga taught me that it’s okay to go through challenging things. That I don’t have to be perfect to be me. That it is okay to share your feelings. That it’s okay to cry. I love Kawaga because it taught me to learn who I am. Because it gave me some of my closest, lifelong friends. Because it let me fail as much as I succeeded. Because it gave me a place of peace. Because it gave me, me. It gave me a chance to change my campers lives just as much as my counselors have for me. Ever since that conversation on the back porch of my cabin, I haven’t looked back. I have gained confidence, felt in control of myself, and have better understood what is important to me.

Opening up to my counselors, my campers, and my best friends allowed me to figure out who I am and why I love camp so much. So, I ask all of you, who are you? Who do you want to be? Why did you come to camp this summer? One of the best things that you can do here is sit and think. But more importantly, it’s okay to share what you are thinking. It can be a friend, a counselor, or in a letter back home. But I have learned the hard way that the worst thing you can do is bottle something up. Sharing your feelings will allow you to be honest with yourself. It will give you the opportunity to learn what you need. My message to all of you is to better understand who you are, and why you love camp so much. Realizing those things will allow you to be in the moment and make the most out of your summer. It will allow you to understand why this place is so special. My future here is uncertain, and it’s weird to think that I might not be able to come back next summer. But I know this for sure. I love camp Kawaga. I really want to be at this place with the people I love and care about most and I’m not thinking about life outside of camp because I’m present in this moment. I am here. Thank you.