Jonah Satyr Reflections From the Shores

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Jonah Satyr. This will be my 10th year on the Shores of Kawaga and my 5th year on staff. I didn’t think I’d ever be up here giving another sermon, let alone working on staff again but here I am. In 2024, I delivered what I thought was a goodbye sermon, the message being to live in the moment at camp because, at some point, there will be a day that you won’t be able to come back. I’d have to call myself at least a little bit of a hypocrite because not only am I back at camp, but I don’t think I’ve quite followed the message of my previous sermon.

Since leaving camp in 2024, I have very much struggled to live in the moment, as almost all of my thoughts were fixated over what could go on in the future and ruminating over mistakes of the past. After leaving camp in 2024, I entered the corporate world and felt defeated. It was heartbreaking going from witnessing my campers become strong leaders to sitting behind a computer in a cubicle eight hours a day.

For the longest amount of time, I would try to suck it up, tell everyone I was enjoying work, even though internally it was not at all how I felt. I always felt like entering the corporate world was inevitable because it was what my family and friends always thought I would do. My family has always had traditional jobs, and it was a formula that worked for them but didn’t align with my personal internal encodings.

Last year during my internship, I found a weekend to visit with a few of my fellow CITs, driving down with Josh Zirin, Bryan Gnehm, and Jack Decker. Upon arriving at dinner, the Mess Hall greeted all of us with excitement like I’ve never seen before. I think I can speak for all of us who visited during that weekend when I say that moment was nothing beyond special. Rehashing old camp memories with my boys in my age group, my past campers, and getting to meet new people at camp instantly uplifted my spirits from the mental prison I felt trapped in. That weekend that we visited were hands down the best few days of my entire summer.

Leaving our visit at Kawaga, made it just that much harder for me to cope with the reality that was the real world. I felt weak. There are so many people that work in the real world, really hard every single day. They put their heads down every morning, provide for their families, and may not love what they do but do it anyway. When I accepted my return offer for my job, my whole family celebrated my accomplishments, as I was internally suffering from the idea of directing my energy into something that I was passionate about. 

I didn’t feel like I was making an impact, at least an impact on the world in a way that I could see. The cubicle became a dark place for me to the point where it was hard to even physically put myself in the same surrounding environment. I envied others who seemed to so smoothly get by their days. It got to a point where I didn’t even know what it was like to feel happy anymore. For the first time in my life, I had to battle intense anxiety and depression. 

One person I was jealous of for the longest amount of time was my friend David Puckowitz, or Puck as my college friends call him. Puck doesn’t have an internal monologue. That voice in your head that talks to you when you’re reading a book or talking to yourself. He doesn’t plan out conversations ahead of time, thinks before he talks, or anything. He just does stuff. I am the polar opposite. My internal monologue is always talking to me, and it’s usually pretty cruel. 

Camp in the past has always been a perfect combatant for my internal monologue. Whenever I had that voice in my head telling me that I wasn’t good enough, I would always have an outlet to try to prove it wrong, or at least distract myself. The absence of camp in my life left me without a way to silence my doubts, so I began to believe that voice in my head. The environment of Kagawa allowed me to be authentically myself. Because of that I was able to be in control of my own visions, hold leadership positions, and act confidently. The second I left camp, I didn’t feel like that same person and it caused an identity crisis. Who was I – the camp version of Jonah Satyr, or that anxious version of Jonah Satyr who second-guessed myself about everything that I did?

Towards the end of the summer, I told my parents what I was going through, and I began the journey I desperately needed to get my mental state back on track. Over the past year, I’ve worked tremendously hard to rewire my thinking patterns and become a more productive person. All that time telling myself I wasn’t good enough wasn’t making me a better person; you need to take action to improve yourself. 

It’s crucial to note that, in my journey, I realized that it is imperative not to change yourself too much. The same reasons I had been going through so much hardship and doubt were also the reasons why I’m a hard worker, get fixated on cool niches, and retain my creative spirit. I think that at the end of the day, we’re all our own harshest critics, and we all go through our own unique hardships catered to us individually.

Maybe you are dealing with friendship struggles at school; maybe you lost someone who is really important to you; maybe you battle obsessive compulsive disorder like me; maybe you’re going through a complex family issue; maybe you tried your hardest at something you cared about and failed miserably. No matter what it is, we all have something that bothers us. It’s up to you whether you deal with your problems in a productive way or choose to procrastinate on them until you get to the point where you can’t even be there for others or the ones you care about. That’s why I encourage you all to talk about the things that bother you, and reach out to someone if you are struggling. Talking about my problems with people that care about me is how I got better. In the same vein, it is always important to treat others with kindness, as you do not know what they are going through.

Towards the end of my journey, I realized that at the root of a lot of my problems were acting how others think I should be acting and not for myself. If there’s one thing Kawaga always taught me, it was the power of being unauthentically yourself. The reason this place is so special is because unlike the real world, there are so many people at one place that are non-judgmental of others when they act authentic. I encourage each and every one to allow as much of your authentic self to shine in the real world, even after we say goodbye to each other on Banquet Night less than seven weeks from today. 

I’ve decided what I want to do, and although my family and friends may not understand me entirely, they do support me. Because of that, I get to spend at least one more summer on the Shores with you all. To Jordi, Zirin, Tomas, and Bryan: I can’t tell you guys how much it means to me to spend another summer with you guys. You are my guys for life, and I love you all platonically, as our old counselor Jackson Gruber used to always say to us. To Ty, Lauren, Ben, and Kappy: thank you guys for your mentorship throughout my adolescence. You guys have all had so much influence on me and I hope you all know that. Bri: From you being my counselor, my friend, and just observing your work ethic, words cannot describe how much I’ve learned from you. No one works harder here than you to make this place awesome. You’re so humble that I’m sure there are lots of campers and maybe even staff that don’t know how much you run the show behind the scenes even if it was in 2020 when you weren’t here physically. To Ryan: I hope I can make you proud this summer. If there’s anybody who lived to their fullest being unauthentically themselves, it’s you.

Words cannot describe how excited I am to watch the summer unfold and be up here, on the Shores of Kawaga Bay, with you guys for the next few months. We’re just getting started.

 

Thank you.